dealing with loss (and finding magic at Christmas)

 

 

This really happened.

One minute I was sitting across from a beautiful woman at a candle-lit table in a seaside restaurant and she was telling me about her adult daughter’s wonderful new job in finance, and she was beaming with the kind of relieved, grateful expression that mothers wear when things are going well with their children.

And the next day her daughter was found dead in her apartment.

We found out about this tragic news from a company email that was sent throughout my husband’s bank and my first stunned reaction was, “What? How can that be?! We were just talking about her last night!”

But of course, this is what we do when death and reasoning collide, we grasp and claw at logic, desperate for answers that might slow the flow of shock and pain pulsating through us.

But this is not my story.

The story I want to tell you happened this past Saturday-- 700 miles from my home-- on a sun-drenched afternoon in Salt Lake City Utah.

(cell phone picture)

Jim and I had flown into town for the bank’s annual Christmas party and while the hubby was in meetings, I grabbed my coat and began walking in the cold, brisk air in search of some pretty ribbon and a Christmas card for the woman who had lost her daughter.

This would be her first Christmas without her precious Megan and I wanted to acknowledge it with a note. I didn’t know this woman intimately, we saw each other through my husband’s work but she was a sensitive person, a fellow ‘feeler’ whom I could always relate to and I had been deeply affected by her daughter’s death.

This would be the first time I’d be seeing her since that dinner a few months ago and I had written down a few words I planned on passing to her in a card that evening.

Years ago when I had been in a dark period of grief I had read Anne Morrow Lindbergh’s diaries (Hour of Gold, Hour of Lead) and I had found tremendous comfort in her views on grieving. They were based on her own excruciating loss of her child and I often seek inspiration from people who have endured suffering and heartache and have come out the other side.  Some books can be bottled up in a few potent pages and for me, there were seven pages that I had marked up with a pen and re-read endless times because they resonated with my own suffering

Lindbergh spoke of the numbing and grief that happens after death and the eventual re-birth that can follow the darkness. She described the loss of someone we deeply love as a kind of amputation—”like a lost limb down to the nerve endings.” And she wrote about Remorse—beating oneself in a vain attempt to make what has happened “un-happen,” as a cautionary dead end. A kind of fake action that can never nourish and only deplete you.

At the time, these were words I needed to hear.

In my note to this grieving mother I had shared an Anne Morrow Lindbergh quote and I remember wondering if I should have bought her the same book, but it was a hard book to find and I’d had to special order mine. Too late now.

As I walked on the bustling downtown streets of Salt Lake City I was struck by its baby blue skies and its clean beauty and I was momentarily lost in my thoughts, not even caring if I got lost. Which is unlike me.

 

After stopping on the sidewalk to ask directions to a “shop with pretty ribbon” I ended up at this street corner and I was abruptly taken aback by this gorgeous mural of the Blessed Mother. If you know me, you know how I feel about HER and the divine power of her love, especially as a source of comfort for mothers.

And suddenly I felt like I was on the right path.

I kept moving down the street until I approached a stack of books in a gray metal cart outside a dusty, stained glass window. And when I stepped back I squinted my eyes in the bright sunlight and read the words.

Rare. Books.

Unbelievable, I thought.

 

(cell phone)

I had no idea where I was but I had just stumbled unto my version of heaven.

 

(cell phone)

I opened the door and felt instantly transported to someplace ancient and magical. Besides two bearded men talking about authors over a glass case of yellowed, delicate-looking books, I was alone in the store.

The sight of a worn, blue velvet couch, mountains of books and the musty smells of antiquity all made my heart flutter.

(cell phone)

In the narrow aisles I ran my fingers along the worn, rippled spines of hard cover books looking at the titles I recognized from childhood. When I saw a copy of Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm I casually picked it up and found this inscription inside:

(cell phone)

And I wondered if Michele had liked this book too. Was she still alive and reading?

I liked to think so.

 

(cell phone)

After some time I asked the store clerk if he had any books by Anne Lindbergh Morrow and he sent me down a long aisle at the far end of the store

where I bent down to the lowest shelf and tilted my head to examine the titles.

(cell phone)

And of course.

Wouldn’t you know it?

There were only two titles by Lindbergh and yes, one was the book I wanted.

What were the odds?

As I stared at the book I felt something serendipitous about my afternoon; it was fleeting thought that by being completely open to my surroundings--and in a giving state of mind—it had somehow resulted in my holding this book in my hands, and even though I seldom use this word,

‘grace’ came to mind. I figured that I was meant to pass on the book, but more important was the message I hoped to convey to this mother.

The idea that we are all connected through our wounds and that sometimes this shared pain is all we have to offer someone who is hurting. But is there a more comforting message than this:

You’re not alone my friend.

No, I’ve never lost a child but I do know what it’s like to love one with every breath in your body. And I can imagine your pain, and I’m not afraid of it.

If you’re dealing with loss and sadness this holiday season this post is dedicated to You.

Please believe me, it will get better. Really it will.

But until then, these are a few things that helped me when I was once overwhelmed with grief.

First and foremost life is too short to fake it.

Give yourself permission to cry, to be sad, confused, or angry.

Absolutely DO NOT judge yourself.

Write down your thoughts and feelings. It’s amazing what comes out.

Grab your coat and get outside and start walking. I guarantee the fresh air will help.

Whatever your spiritual beliefs, find time to meditate or pray or simply sit in silence, this is how you honor your most vulnerable feelings.

Listen to a comforting tape of Tara Brach on Loss.

Volunteer-don’t worry about the cause just get around other people for a common purpose.

Be selective about your sharing. Talk to those special people in your life who will let you  feel exactly how you feel--- and won’t try to minimize or deny your emotions. This is how we get through our pain in a healthy way. Be curious and open about those shadow feelings that might be uncomfortable. Because you deserve to feel whole.

And if you want me to send my favorite Lindbergh passage on grief.. leave me your address and I’d be happy to send it to you.

And one more thing--if your grief begins to overwhelm you—please don’t hesitate to get professional help. Walking around with a tight smile while you’re hurting inside will take a physical and emotional toll on you. And sometimes a death can unleash bottled up feelings that a trained professional can help you make sense of…

 

In the meantime, let’s all remember that Christmas is a time of rich memories which can cut both ways. We can feel those losses in our life more acutely.

Let’s be careful that we don’t get so caught up in the festivities of the season that we forget those around us who might be quietly suffering.

 

 

Tell me…

Can you relate to this post?

 

xo

Leslie

 

linking up with Flower Patch Farm Girl and Inspire Me Monday

 

 

Technorati Tags: how to deal with loss at Christmas,the magic of Christmas,serendipity,loss of a child,healthy grieving,Tara Brach,Blessed Mother

 

 

what’s your opinion: black or white?

 

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Hello friends, it’s been a while since I showed you some of my projects around here and today I thought I’d get your opinion. Although I’m not actually confused about what I like.

I know I love the black, wonderfully styled bookshelves in this first photo. 

But the question for me is, how will I feel in my little office with a big wall of black behind me?

Sigh. Isn’t this what decorating is all about? It’s not that I don’t like love a lot of different styles and paint shades; it’s really a question of how I’ll feel when I’m inside my little ol’ home enveloped in a particular color or fabric pattern. Especially a strong color like black.

Do you know what I mean?

But here are a few photos that are making me seriously consider black bookshelves in my home office.

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But then again….I reaaaaally love white. So. What do you think?

Ready? Here’s the room I’m talking about.

 

BEFORE

This is a photo taken when the previous owners lived here. They also used this room as an office, painting it a shade of turquoise blue. 

 

Now are you ready to see what I’ve been doing in this room?

Well first the easy part; I painted the entire room BM’s Simply White and immediately loved the change.

Then I decided to paint my one full wall in the room black to serve as the backdrop for my soon-to-be-built bookshelves, choosing the lazy man’s way of making the bookshelves look like built-ins. Right?

Wrong, because the black paint made the textured wall look like black cottage cheese.

So what to do now?

I decided to smooth my textured wall with a few coats of joint compound.

I’d seen my Dad apply this on walls in the past so I followed his (long-distance) directions and once I got the hang of it, it wasn’t so hard.

Once the wall was smooth, and still having that first inspiration photo in mind, I decided I wanted beadboard as a backing for my wall of shelves. But without my Dad’s help, I opted for the wallpaper version instead. I’d seen it in this dining room and liked it, so I bought the Allen and Roth  beadboard wallpaper sold at Lowes.

No, I’d never wallpapered anything before, but I thought why not?

After reading all the online comments I decided to spray on the water and then apply more glue despite the fact that this wallpaper has a glue backing.

It worked perfectly and I can’t emphasize how easy this wallpaper was to work with (my own opinion-no one paid me to say this).

 

In the meantime I found some black and white toile fabric at a great price and had two double width panels made for my small window. I had them lined for added weight and they immediately changed the whole vibe in the room.

Here’s a another shot of the curtain panels. The rug still has to come out and the bookshelves added. And as you might notice the beadboard wallpaper is still white.

So what’s your opinion now?

After living with both colors on the wall, I think I’ve made my decision but I always love to hear your views.

Do you like black bookshelves or white bookshelves for my office?

 

xo

Leslie

 

 

Technorati Tags: black and white bookshelves,cottage office re-do,allen and roth beadboard wallpaper,black and white toile

last minute ideas for your Thanksgiving table…

 

Hello friends.

It’s hard to believe that Thanksgiving is around the corner. I’ve been busy working on lots of projects around here, going at a steady pace and enjoying that feeling of nesting. And I can’t wait to share some of my progress on my office re-do and my kitchen.

But today I needed a dose of escapism and what better topic is there… than to chat about your Thanksgiving table. I so enjoy setting a pretty table and I like to help you do it too.

Are you hosting Thanksgiving this year?

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We’re headed to my parents home for the holiday and Mom has already mentioned she’s using dark burgundy and gold on her table.  I think jewel colored napkins and metallic shades are perfect partners and it’s so easy to grab a spray can of gold or silver or bronze and add those shiny details.

I actually have these dark purple napkins which is why I was drawn to this tablescape.

Look how easy this centerpiece is…you could do this. Magnolia leaves and persimmons down the center of the table with fresh flowers that pick up the colors in your napkins.

And of course, candles.

Maybe because I’ve been so busy this season but lately I’m in the mood for simplicity and this table fits the bill. Piling creamy colored pumpkins and gourds in the middle of your table and using greens to fill in the gaps is easy to do and looks so pretty with votive candles.

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If you’re not lucky enough to have a collection of fancy fake pumpkins (I don’t) you can still achieve this look.

Glam up your pumpkins with spray paint and glitter and lay them on straw colored raffia for a textured look. Press leaves from your yard in books overnight, and use these for your placecards. Simply use a gold pen to write the name of each guest on the leaf.

Simple and pretty.

Or… spray pinecones gold and use these as your place cards.

Do you want to convey a personal message on your Thanksgiving table but lack these cool black plates?  This is what you do. Turn over a salad plate and trace a circle on black construction paper and then cut out the circles. Write out your message with a gold pen and place these on each dinner plate.

Voila!  The same look for pennies.

Here’s a table set with gold everywhere for a dramatic effect.

I haven’t done this one yet, but here’s another idea for easy placecards. Make a slit in the stem of a miniature pumpkin and slip your guest’s name inside.

This is a wire shaped into a circle with a piece of fresh rosemary tied to it, you can hide the wire with the green leaves and a ribbon on top.

I think this is lovely don’t you?

However.. if you’re in a time crunch or you’ve got a small army invited for dinner, keeping your table decor simple doesn’t mean you need to sacrifice beauty.

You can never go wrong with fresh flowers and candles and a few pieces from the farmer’s market…

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And before I go I have to share a favorite.

This table setting is not simple but I’m crushing on the details of this elegant look…the woven placemats against the black tablecloth, the white napkins with this chic dinnerware…and the use of a white pen on black paper for simple placecards…it’s perfect.

It’s such a different look for Thanksgiving, maybe that’s why I’m loving it. 

Do you have a favorite here?

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I sure hope I’ve given you some ideas you can use

…but mostly I hope my blog has been a happy place for you today.

And that later you find time in your busy schedule to stop yourself and simply dwell on the good moments that have happened in your day.

 

 

 

Wishing you a peaceful November day,

xo

Leslie

 

 

 

Technorati Tags: thanksgiving tablescape ideas,tips for a pretty table

gratitude…

 

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We just got back from a whirlwind visit home

and I’m beginning the week feeling wonderfully replenished.

October was jam-packed with activity and I ended the month feeling tired and looking around the house with a sense of overwhelm, aware of a growing momentum to hurry up and get things done before the holidays approach. I don’t like this rushed feeling. Or the idea that I’m already behind schedule if I haven’t done any Thanksgiving posts yet-- or god knows-- Christmas topics which are already popping up everywhere in blogland.

Sigh. This is the part of blogging that I have to be wary of; it’s the need to stay ahead of the seasons for one’s readers and it’s the modus operandi of a successful blogger. And I totally get it; the idea that readers are looking for their holiday decorating ideas weeks-- and even months-- ahead of time is something I can relate to.

In fact, I’m one of those readers. I lovveeeee searching Blogland and Pinterest for creative ideas but as a blogger on the other side, it’s always a dilemma for me because I’m aware that when I’m creating Christmas tablescapes in October,

I’m not able to fully relish the present season.

Do you know what I mean?

Recently I was listening to a talk by Tara Brach and she mentioned that in today’s techie world we spend an average of eight hours a day in front of a screen. The point she was making was how hard it is to be awakened to the present moment and to feel what’s here in front of us

when so much of our time is spent in a virtual reality.

Think about that. How many hours are you in front of a screen?

It’s a powerful realization. And so I love this reminder.

Or better still, how about we give ourselves this gift?

 

So…you might think driving in the car over 850 miles for only a three day trip might seem hectic but it was exactly what I needed. I hadn’t been back home since we moved and it was time.

  Thursday evening was my dear friend Mary’s annual birthday party and as usual, the house was filled with women that I’ve known since my kids were in kindergarten and that’s such a special feeling.

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I only wish I’d taken pictures of Tracey’s beautiful home to show you, but I was too engrossed in conversations about relationships and engagements and breakups… topics that seem to reflect the changing ages of our kids.

And like all good trips, there were moments that stand out in my mind.

Kirsten and I clinking our wine glasses with Mary and sharing the latest news before we headed to the party.. A conversation at the kitchen island with Tracey about our sons… Sitting on the brick hearth at my parent’s house and eating Chinese food with the family… Making a mad dash back to Pottery World to find my Mom’s lost eyeglasses only to learn  they were in her purse the whole time… And my funny Dad shaking his head behind my Mom’s back.

and sadly, there was a tragic one too…

On the way home when we pulled off the freeway for a sandwich and while I was waiting in our car, I heard a loud, sickening thud and the sound of twisting metal. When I got out of our car I could see men running toward what was a three car collusion at the off ramp. It was a scene that deeply affected me especially when I discovered the next morning that a man had died in that crash.

Afterwards I told Jim –who was inside at the time—that I can’t stop thinking how when I heard that crash, a man’s soul was leaving the earth. To me, it was a stunning reminder of how tenuous life really is.

In the meantime I’m home again, and even though nothing much has changed around here I’m feeling incredibly grateful.

For our safe trip home.

For my family.

For my Friends.

For the health of my parents.

For the fact that my kids are well and safe as I write these words.

That I have a house.

And a warm bed.

And food whenever I need it.

And our sweet Stella Bella.

For the computer that allows me to write these words

For any blog post I manage to publish here

for all my dear blogger friends

And for YOU, for taking precious time to get to the end of this post.

 

Oh, I could go on forever but you get my point.

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It’s an interesting question, don’t you think?

 

 

xoxo

Leslie

 

 

 

 

Technorati Tags: gratitude,what if you woke up today with only what you thanked God for yesterday? blogging

Day 31: how to throw a dinner party for picky ghosts

 

Quick question: What do you do when you see four heads on sale at your local fabric store?

Answer: You think, “Ah-ha! Here’s my Halloween blog post!

Of course. A dinner party for ghosts. What else?

Believe it or not, I’ve always wanted to try making ghosts using liquid fabric starch, cheese cloth and wig heads.

And now that my dining room is that perfect shade of Haunted House Gray, how could I resist entertaining ghosts in there?

So in honor of Halloween 2014 and…

the FINAL post in my 31 Days of October Inspiration Series, I’ve invited a few of my more luminous gal pals over for a light (see-through actually) dinner.

In case you’re wondering, setting a table for ghost gals is rather important.

Think monochromatic…as in shades of white.

And whatever you do, make sure you have chains somewhere on the table.

It makes them right feel at home.

(You can’t tell, but she’s actually smiling)

Also, ghosts prefer to have their napkins levitating…

in case you didn’t know.

 

And details like white candles, white pumpkins

and eyeball candies are always appreciated too..

 

Thank you so much for stopping by on Day 31 of October. And what a full month it’s been;  I’ve really learned a lot on this month-long experiment with blogging,

And for those of you who kept me company along the way, I cannot thank you enough.

I’m wishing you all an utterly enchanting Halloween!

with a ghostly hug,

Leslie

 

 

 

Technorati Tags: 31 days of october inspiration,day 31,how to throw a dinner party for picky ghosts,halloween post. DIY ghost,liquid fabric starch and cheescloth