worries that go bump in the night…
During the last few weeks, something strange and inexplicable has been happening to me. I don’t know why, but I’ve been waking up in the middle of the night. No reasons, no sudden noises. I’ve just been opening my eyes and finding myself stone cold awake, swaddled in darkness and hearing nothing except the slow, comforting sound of Jim’s breathing in the room. In the blue glow of my alarm clock, I reach for my glasses, and I see that it’s two in the morning.
And then before I know it, my mind begins to wake up. And I immediately feel wary.
Because Life seems scarier to me during these hazy, dream-like hours; I don’t know why, but something happens to my rational-dependable perspective from this snuggly place beneath the covers. This is the time when my worries take over.
It begins with a passing concern in my mind, something I forgot to check on, and in the stillness of the night, this simple thought transforms into a full-blown disaster. Or I remember this one nagging, question that I forgot to ask my son, a minor detail that I would barely notice under the glare of daylight, and suddenly at this sleepy moment, it becomes an urgent matter, a ominous possibility that causes me to hop out of bed to add something to my things-to-do list.
I used to be utterly confused by the strange effects of this middle-of-the-night time warp; I used to hate the way that my mind could grab unto a small thing and make it big. And on those nights when I had trouble falling back asleep, I would hate those annoying, worrisome thoughts that made me feel tired and alert at the same time.
I wonder if you can relate
But now I know that this is a part of me. And I wonder if you can relate.
I know that these hours will add scary and distorting possibilities to my normal fears. I know that I will never be the kind of person that wakes up to a phone call at three in the morning with an optimistic outlook. And after all these years, I know that my wise husband is right. Things will ALWAYs look better in the morning. “Go back to sleep Les, it will be OK.” After years of careful examination of my middle of the night angst and worries, he knows his wife.
This too shall pass. I mumble these words as I turn over and bury my face into my puffy pillow and try to ignore my racing mind. And it’s true. The morning hours are my magic wand. Sometimes, when I wake up and sit on the side of my bed, I’m amazed by the sparkly hope that rises alongside the morning light. I’m surprised by how distant and unrecognizable my night time worries look from my daylight perspective.
But please don’t call me at three in the morning. Because when the phone rings, my head will yank up and pillow feathers will fly and I will immediately hear my heart beating wildly in my ears and it will be hard to hear you on the phone.
And the worst part is, that I will instantly expect the worst.
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Because I’ve got a lot of worries that go bump in the night.
Can you relate to this post? Tell me what you think…
Do you think that women worry more at night? I wonder…
Les
