The one topic you should discuss with your daughter (Part 2)

Photo: weheartit.com

Do you know someone who thinks this way?…

Every eating disordered woman I’ve met, operated under a belief that I refer to as the Dangerous Seed of Magical Thinking. That’s right. No matter how much life experience they had, or how formally educated they were, there was always a powerful belief that existed beneath the surface. It wasn’t said out loud. But the Dangerous Seed of Magical Thinking was there, and like a tiny seed that grows into something strong, this belief morphed into obsessive behaviors; the kind of dieting and exercise habits that dominate a woman’s life and threatens their self esteem.

The Dangerous Seed of Magical Thinking

So here it is: If only I could look like THAT…

Photo: Google Images

...then I will finally have THIS.

Photo: weheartit.com

What is THIS? It’s whatever you long for deep down, a dream partner, the perfect job, self worth and confidence, admiration of others, a fantastic social life, happiness. You fill it in.

Now read these words again: If only I could look like THAT, than I will finally have THIS.

Do you know someone who thinks this way? Because this powerful mind-set which literally connects one’s physical appearance with some magical results have torpedoed many lives, has caused women years of discontent with their body shape, their weight, or face, and has led women to literally postpone their lives until they finally achieve THAT look.

The problem with this kind of magical thinking?

Let me use the words of a former bulimic patient of mine who had figured it out,

Photo: Google Images

She was worried about the insurance coverage for her treatment and she asked, “Don’t they understand? This isn’t just about my weight. Because I’ve been at my dream weight and it doesn’t matter if I weigh 145 pounds or 95 pounds, nothing changes. I still feel bad, down deep. This is about my self-worth.” 

Of course, eating disorders are complex conditions, and when they occur, it’s because of several factors that include genetics, family dynamics, personality traits and cultural influences. The discussion of eating disorders is for another time, but the message here is:

If you make your physical attractiveness the central road to your self esteem and your identity, you’re headed for a dead-end. Here’s why:

Two reasons to stop over-focusing on our looks:

1. The more we obsess about our looks and pour endless hours into our quest to look THAT way, the less time we have to develop our inner self; the place where real substance is. Our lives are seriously out-of- whack when we’re totally fixated on our looks, and we’re not developing the qualities that make us a whole person. And this happens when we work on the parts of ourselves that we can’t see on the surface.   

A healthy identity begins by knowing how we feel inside. Real self-esteem happens when we can experience a whole range of emotions, not just the “happy” feelings. And there’s nothing that says “I deserve to be treated well,”  than when we’re expressing our emotional needs clearly with others; without guilt and worry.  And if you’re a constant people pleaser?  It’s never too late to work on developing your inner life; because true confidence results from having your own ideas and opinions, ones that might be very different from those closest to you.

2. Looks are transitory. They never last. Getting all our self-worth from our outer appearance is like putting  down all our money on a single bet at the blackjack table. It’s a gamble that offers an immediate “high” but inevitably results in an unhappy ending.

Photo: Google Images

It’s not easy keeping a Healthy Perspective in a Crazy, Looks-Obsessed Culture

Again, it’s true. There’s no one cause of eating disorders, but our common sense tells us that there is a slow drip effect on our self image that occurs from living in a crazy, looks-obsessed culture. And the most vulnerable minds are the young ones! We should care about the answers to these questions:

• What happens to our own self image, when the photos that we see daily, are of celebrities that have been digitally manipulated to look winkle-free and perfect?
• What happens to little girls who grow up seeing beauty ads with skin that doesn’t have ONE- single- flaw? 
• What happens when impressionable teenagers thumb through fashion magazines for years without seeing signs of cellulite, and are never told about the powerful effects of Photoshop on the pictures they’re seeing?

The other day, while sitting here writing on this blog post, I happened to hear this fact on the Today’s Show segment, Real Mom’s Secrets:

44 percent of moms would rather be 15 pounds thinner than add 15 points to their child’s IQ. 

And ABC News recently reported that nearly half of all three- to six-year-old girls worry about being fat, whatever fat means at that age. Wow.

In Lisa Bloom’s, book, Think: Straight Talk for Women to Stay Smart in a Dumbed-Down World, she reports  that 15 to 18 percent of girls under 12 now wear mascara, eyeliner and lipstick regularly and that 25 percent of young American women would rather win America's Next Top Model than the Nobel Peace Prize.

These aren’t females with clinical problems that we’re talking about. These are typical females of all ages, who are experiencing the effects of our culture’s crazy, distorted preoccupation with the female body.

What Should You Do?

1. Be an educated consumer about this subject. You owe it to yourself and your daughter.
2. Talk to your daughter about this blog post. Depending on her age, you might discuss articles like THIS.  Discuss her views about Perfection. Does she feel pressured to look a certain way?. Ask her what she thinks about Kate Winslet’s reaction to the GQ magazine cover. Be age appropriate and remember not to judge. Listen, don’t lecture so that trust develops.
3. And the next time you’re purchasing your expensive eye cream or latest lipstick color, ask yourself this ONE important question:

Do I want to look like THAT model’s face, or do I want to look like the very best version of MYSELF—the self- confident, vibrant, intelligent and beautiful person that I feel like?

Photo: Google Images

Your answer says it all.  Because you are SO much more than your looks.

 

My flowers are still here. The sunshine after the sadness

Today I posted on my God and Coffee blog. Click HERE to read.

The one topic you should discuss with your daughter (Part 1)

 

Do you know why Julia Robert’s photo was banned?

Photo: Google Images

This is what I know about Julia Roberts. She’s a pretty woman with an exuberant laugh and a great smile.  She’s a wife and mother of small children and when she’s not making movies and looking like a gorgeous Hollywood actress, she appears refreshingly normal. A quick glance at the check-out counter tabloids only reinforces this image. There she is, dressed for comfort in casual jeans, regular shirts and with her trademark mane pulled back in a ponytail. In fact, with her kids in tow, she looks like any Mommy who might have goldfish crackers stashed in her purse, next to the wipes.

Photo: Google Images

But surprisingly, her photo on the right was recently banned in Great Britain. Can you guess why?

The ban is the sort of event that slips under a busy woman’s radar, but you should care about this topic because this issue has everything to do with how females view themselves. Do you have a daughter? This is something you should know.

So here’s what happened. Britain’s Advertising Standards Authority actually banned these cosmetic ads featuring both Julia Roberts and model Christy Turlington because the photos were considered misleading to consumers. That’s right. These images were so altered by the use of excessive airbrushing that the results were too perfect, and so devoid of human flaws that these photos were no longer considered realistic.

It turns out that British parliament member Jo Swinson is a friend of women everywhere, and in her battle against overly-perfected, unrealistic images of women in advertising, she lodged a complaint which resulted in this progressive decision. And what loud message is being sent by this formal action?

This message: women everywhere! Beware of the craziness going on inside the beauty and fashion industry.

Because let’s be real. What kinds of ridiculous beauty standards are being set for women and young girls everywhere, when faces like those of Julia Roberts and Christy Turlington require excessive digital retouching.

Yes, I know. There are plenty of people who disagree with a ban like this; people screaming for hard evidence that links a woman’s low self esteem with the manipulation of such images. And I understand. From a clinical perspective, there’s no one villain responsible for a woman’s insecurities; no one reason why a young girl might feel so bad about her looks.

The Healthy Thing to do…

But when we discuss headlines like the ban on Julia Robert’s photo, it destroys the silence around this topic of overly-perfected, fake pictures. It allows women to stop and consider how these images may distort our own real-life flaws. Discussing these manipulative practices exposes the “craziness” of it all, and dilutes the power these images can have on our daughters and yes, on us too.

For example, the use of Photoshop and airbrushing are common practices in fashion and beauty ads and only occasionally make headlines. But any of these photos shown here present teachable moments, an opening to discuss pressures about looking a certain way. In 2003, actress Kate Winslet, who has been criticized for her normal body shape, protested when GQ magazine digitally altered her magazine cover saying, “I do not look like that, and more importantly, I don’t desire to look like that.” 

Kate also said, “I actually have a Polaroid that the photographer gave me on the day of the shoot… I can tell you they’ve reduced the size of my legs by about a third. (BBC report)

And here’s an already youthful-looking 51-year old Madonna, getting a little digital touch-up.

 

And below are some photos of Kim Kardashian before and after Photoshop effects. When this before photo was leaked she impressively quipped, “So what: I have a little cellulite. What curvy girl doesn’t?”

I realize that digital manipulation is here to stay. And that those beautiful models and celebrities that we see in magazines are commonly tweaked to fool us; to give us the impression that they have no flaws. But this doesn’t mean that we should stop talking about the damaging effects these practices can have on the female mind. Because I will tell you one important fact I know after all my years as a psychotherapist treating eating disorder patients.

Perpetuating the idea of Perfection is ALWAYS treading into emotionally dangerous territory.

Why? because Perfection doesn’t exist; it’s a temporary illusion, a fake thing. And when we believe in something fake and chase it, it only creates unhappiness.

Now, let me warn you about one belief that caused pain for every eating disordered woman I’ve met. Maybe you will relate.

See Part 2 -  The one topic you should discuss with your daughter.

 

 

 

 

 

One hundred years from now…

 

 

Well, Patrick is now officially in college and all moved in with his room-mates.

There are no words to describe watching two brothers hug goodbye…so many moments to remember from this weekend.

And for some reason this old poem that his preschool teacher gave me is suddenly in my mind.

One hundred years from now
It won't matter
What kind of car I drove
What kind of house I lived in
How much money I had in the bank
Nor what my clothes looked like,
BUT…
The world may be a little better
Because, I was important
In the life of MY child.

 

Happiness is an old fashioned bon voyage party

 

Do you know somebody who is relocating? It’s obviously on my mind these days and it sounds like a wonderful excuse for a party,  don’t you think? Here are some pictures for inspiration.

Photo: Google Image

An invitation sets the tone. You could also incorporate color copies of a map showing the new location on your invitation….

Photo: weheartit    

Or use an old photo with simple buttons and fabric.

Photo: sharon o’neil kornfield

I love sprucing up old fashioned crepe paper. It’s cheap and colorful and so happy looking!

Photos: occasions magazine

Or, you could use balloon garlands…

Photo: poppy glitter

Here’s a simple garland using vintage postcards. You could use postcards with your party theme, maybe images of the new city? Or you could buy a bunch of postcards and have guests write messages on them. Later you can send these to the guest of honor at the new place.

Photo: James Moes

This is a cute idea. Incorporating a vintage typewriter for guests to add their personal wishes. Placing these in an album with photos from the party would be a sweet gift.

Photo: Google Image

You could set a colorful table outside if weather permits. Bright ribbons are used to tie the silverware and  mismatched placemats and lots of pillows create an old fashioned, comfy look.

Photo: celebrations at home

And don’t forget the food. What about these ideas for an outdoor party?

Photo: tyjuana hill-smith

Photo: marthastewartweddings

Photo: Megan Ess

And don’t forget to decorate with pictures. Here’s one idea if your setting is outside, plus, the guest of honor can take the pictures to their new home.

Photo: maggie karl

Now, if only I had the time….

Loss of a pet: heartache, gratitude and other things to ponder

 

Today I posted on my God and Coffee blog. Please go to my God and Coffee page for this post.

Accessorizing Bookshelves

 

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These are the bookshelves in my living room. I personally love being surrounded by books, although I’ve never spent a lot of time decorating my bookshelves. Recently, I received a clock as a birthday gift and I immediately propped it inside the bookshelves in our family room. Here’s a partial look at the shelves.

Ok….. but I’m not thrilled. So I decided to look for some inspiration. House Beautiful has a nice little article on updating your bookshelves, especially if you want to inject some color into your room.

After painting the inside of the shelves, books are arranged by size and subject. Then, books are put back into the shelves, vertically and horizontally. Similar colored art objects are placed inside. A framed picture adds interest.

Do you collect any one thing? Don’t forget to decorate a shelf with your collections. In this picture from Apartment Therapy, artwork once again, is hung from framed molding.

Photo: janshowers

…..and more artwork that’s hung from shelves….

Photo: BHG

I love the unifying pops of blue throughout this room that compliment the wall color. Blue candlesticks and figurines on the shelves, the blue tray and subtle touches of blue in the accent pillow gives the room a fresh look. And the creamy sand color of the baskets, pottery pieces and in the cushions makes me think about the beach. Also, I like the mismatchy look of the vintage chair with the rattan coffee table!

Photo: BHG

Lots of small, framed pictures, earthy colored pottery pieces, and small figurines break up the monotony of the books. The top of each shelf has similar art pieces that provide symmetry.

Photo: BHG

I like the fact that older collections of books are interspersed with regular hardcover books.

Photo: BHG

Here’s an example of using your bookshelves like a photo gallery.

Photo: Google Images; Rita Konig article

These shelves look great. But personally, I think the tangerine colored French chairs with the blue and white piece on the table steal the show. What do you think?

Now. Guess who lives here? Yes, for those of us who might be getting stressed out looking at all these lovely, accessorized bookshelves, you might be interested to know that Mary Randolph Carter, Senior Vice President of Ralph Lauren Publishing, lives right here, with an Ikea couch covered in colorful textiles, books everywhere and vintage art on the walls. Can you see the sleeping doggy on the couch? Too sweet. As you can see, Mary, her husband, two sons and a dog, live like real folks. No untouchables in this house.

Photo: Ralph Lauren

Mary believes her taste for the “beautifully, artistically cluttered studios of Picasso or Alexander Calder” blends well with Ralph Lauren’s warm, lived-in look. And her book, A Perfectly Kept House is the Sign of A Misspent Life, embraces a philosophy about creating a home in which people feel comfortable. She personally feels inspired, “whenever I walk into a home that shows its heart, whether it's a refrigerator filled with children's artwork, or a wall of photographs or books.”

And all those beautiful pieces and well-designed Ralph Lauren rooms? She simply says, “I’ve learned the lesson that people aren't replaceable, dogs aren't replaceable, but most things are.”

Hmmm. Maybe I’ll worry about my bookshelves later. Right now, I think I’ll put my feet up on my own artistically cluttered coffee table, relax and finish my novel.

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